I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Eat it.
…and we’re done here
g’luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That’ll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
–Edit–
This method has additional merit in that you don’t actually even get rid of it.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says “Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!”
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
It generally helps if you tie it on
Fire cleanses all.
Best if done in the living room so your house gets all the smokey goodness.
Removed by mod
Break into a neighbor’s house and put it under their mattress.
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Rip it to shreds, stir fry it and feed it to the homeless.
I was at a party once where they burned a mattress, actually it wasn’t really a party, just a meth heads house at night time. So you could do that.
Actually it wasn’t really night time either, was it?
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
Cut a hole in it and fuck it. Keep doing that with new holes until it with falls apart or rots from the inside out.
That’s fine for foam mattresses, but the inner spring type give me lacerations.
Throw it in front of your house and leave it there. When asked by your neighbors, say “it showed up there yesterday”
